It's been a strange week for me. The kids and I spent Sunday through Thursday at my parents house in the country because I've been feeling really unwell and home has been pure stress lately. I needed a break. I needed some help. I needed some rest and few days to do nothing but read and create without feeling guilty for being "idle".
I've been having serious pain in my right side again but a trip to the emergency room provided no answers and only minor pain relief. After that was when I needed a few days away from as much stress as I could get away from. A lot of people think that mental illness is all about your thoughts and feelings but that's not true. High levels of anxiety for extended periods of time will absolutely wreck you physically as well. It will change your appetite and sleep patterns which will result in fatigue, stomach and intestinal distress, headaches, dizziness, chest pain, all manner of discomfort. When you feel like this for a while it becomes really hard to practice self care. Rest seems impossible even though you feel exhausted. You forget to eat or just don't eat because you know it will just make you sick. Currently, if never eating again was an option I would absolutely take it. I've not eaten anything that hasn't made me feel ill on weeks. I'm dropping weight and sure that's not the worst thing considering my size but I'd much rather be fat and happy than lose weight like this. The bigger problem is that sleep and regular meals are vital to my mental well being. If I mess up either of them I spend the time until I'm back on track fluctuating between high anxiety and crippling depression. It's an incredibly shitty cycle to get stuck in.
Wednesday was three months since Bryn's suicide. I wanted to blog about her. I wanted to talk about her as I knew her but I just couldn't. Somehow there were too many things to say and not enough words to say any of it the right way. I loved her so much, I can't stand the thought of not honoring her the right way. One day I will. One day I'll have the words. But I don't yet.
When we came back to Lexington on Thursday I had an appointment with a specialist my therapist referred me to. She's a psychiatric nurse practitioner who specializes in women's mood disorders specifically related to hormones, and I love her. I went to see her about my PMDD in hopes of finding some sort of treatment so that I don't want to kill myself two to three days a month, every month, until I go through menopause. Within five to ten minutes of talking with her she could tell I was bipolar. She was amazed that I had never received that diagnosis before because evidently it's pretty obvious. I had a doctor in the past mention that it was a good possibility but I was never started on treatment for it. The specialist started me on mood stabilizers immediately and seems pretty confident that I can get better with monitoring and the right medication. For the first time in a while I have reason to be hopeful that I may not always be an emotional train wreck.
Yesterday was the four year anniversay of my pulmonary embolism. I usually refer to it as my clotiversary. That blood clot turned my whole life upside down and fucked up all of my plans. If it wasn't for that clot I'd probably being playing with radiation in a hospital by now, probably hating my job but making a good amount of money. Things would be a lot easier for my family so I would grin and bear it. I guess that wasn't to be though. That freak health occurence made me see myself and life in a different way. Some people would come away from it thankful to be alive and hopeful and with a renewed appreciation for life. I'm not wired like that. Sure, I have days like that sometimes but mostly I came away scared. I came away doubting myself, not trusting my body, seeing myself as weak and damaged, and completely lacking the ability to cope. I'm still working on overcoming all of those things. And some days it's amazingly hard.
Today I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep much and when I did my dreams were violent and dark. I woke up, I don't know, distressed may be the right word. Nights like that just make me ruminate all the next day. I think about me, my life, the state of the world, the world my kids are going to grow up in, how it all seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. It's hard to not spiral into depression when I haven't slept. So today I'm just working on self-care and trying to not think we're all doomed.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Friday, April 8, 2016
Take a Look, It's in a Book
I've loved reading since I was a child. If I had the choice to go play outside or find myself a hiding spot and read a book you would find me with a book every time. I remember reading my first chapter book in first grade and after I had kids I went out of my way to find that same book for my kids who have shown zero interest in it (of course it was a kid's horror book, I like what I like). There is a joy in reading that I don't find anywhere else. The ability to step into someone else's shoes for a while is an escape that's hard to find any other way.
As an adult I've continued to love to read and books have helped me through some of the roughest parts of my life. I'm pretty sure I survived pregnancy on fiction alone. All the other women in the waiting room were reading What to Expect When You're Expecting or magazines and there I sat with a Chuck Palahniuk or the newest Harry Potter book. I know nurses totally judge you and your pain level by your ability to focus but through my worst pain and stays in the hospital the only thing that kept me from crying the whole time was distracting myself by reading. It's also one of the only thing that quiets my mind enough when my anxiety is raging so that I can sleep.
For the past several years I've basically used my Kindle as a security blanket. It goes where I go and I'm on my third one because I'm a klutz who breaks things. I have way more books on there than I can ever read but I'm certainly going to try. I wanted to list some books today that have made a difference in my life. Things that have calmed or comforted me when I needed it. Things that have helped me learn to cope or at least made me not feel alone.
Funny things from crazy people:
Hyperbole and Half by Allie Brosh If you've ever been to her super popular blog of the same name you'll know a lot of this material. There are however some new and hilarious stories included in the book and I'm super excited that there is another book coming out later this year. Allie Brosh has a way of telling a story like no one else.
Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson) is one of the funniest women alive in my opinion. She's just so unabashedly her and she is just so weird. In this book we get more insights into what created this beautifully warped woman. You really should read it. But not in public because people will think you're crazy when you start laughing out loud uncontrollably.
Self-Help and the like that I've actually found useful:
Absolutely anything by Brene Brown. I'm currently reading Rising Strong after watching Brene Brown's first TedTalk on vulnerability. Basically everything she says is life changing. It makes you look at yourself, really look at yourself, and see what's hold you back instead of building you up. You will see yourself somewhere in her writing, there's no way around it, and you will want to change. You will want to be better and feel better and let people in and you will start trying to find ways to do all of those things. And you will be grateful.
Exercise for Mood and Anxiety by Michael Otto I know I don't talk about exercise much because it's not one of my favorite things but I do go through spells where it's useful and I enjoy it. I do find that my moods and outlook do improve when I exercise consistently but trying to exercise when you are at the bottom of a depression cycle is nearly impossible. You're exhausted and everything hurts and you don't see the point. However, I find exercise to be extremely helpful when anxious. It helps get out some of that extra energy that can lead to panic attacks (that's right, not every panic attack starts in your brain with active worrying, some are very much a physical response).
The Goddess Path by Patricia Monaghan Although nowadays I identify more as an atheist than anything, I was a pentacle wearing, nature worshipping, Tarot reading pagan for a very long time. I still love nature and reading Tarot and I still love this book. It tells the stories of ancient goddess from different pantheons and then asks introspective questions at the end of each section. There are rites and rituals included that I never really got into but I love that workbook aspect of this book. Reflection is often the key to self improvement and the questions raised ask you to reflect on yourself and experiences in uncommon ways.
Fiction that changed my life:
*It should be said that I read a LOT of horror so I don't stumble onto this sort of stuff very often or easily. I don't read a lot of literary fiction or romances or coming of age stories because those things don't usually hold my interest terribly long. If it's fiction and I like it there is probably something weird going on or an element of fantasy or science fiction interwoven into the narrative.*
The Frugality Trilogy by Stuart Ayris I can't really articulate what these books and this writer means to me. Seriously. It was like I picked up each book in this trilogy at exactly the right time in my life. I'm not really sure that anyone else has had that connection to it but each book does have extremely good reviews on Amazon and Goodreads. It is a bit of a hidden gem though. And Mr. Ayris, being an independent writer and self-published, is fantastic about reader interaction. After I reviewed the last book in the trilogy on Goodreads he contacted me and offered to answer any of my questions that were still present at the end and he really did mean it. I asked some extremely personal and difficult questions and he was very forthcoming and kind. I have several other books by him on my Kindle that I cannot wait to get to because he just gets it. He writes depressed and anxious characters, flawed characters, and just real people like no one I have seen.
The Sterile Cuckoo by John Nichols I read this book while I was in high school, I think. I don't remember what drew me to it but I remember that I loved it and it was unlike anything else I would usually read. It still holds a special place in my heart.
I'm sure there are more and I hope to do more posts like this in the future as I remember other books or read new ones. I'm currently reading Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs which I am thoroughly enjoying so far. If you have Goodreads, add me there, I love to see what other people are reading, too.
As an adult I've continued to love to read and books have helped me through some of the roughest parts of my life. I'm pretty sure I survived pregnancy on fiction alone. All the other women in the waiting room were reading What to Expect When You're Expecting or magazines and there I sat with a Chuck Palahniuk or the newest Harry Potter book. I know nurses totally judge you and your pain level by your ability to focus but through my worst pain and stays in the hospital the only thing that kept me from crying the whole time was distracting myself by reading. It's also one of the only thing that quiets my mind enough when my anxiety is raging so that I can sleep.
For the past several years I've basically used my Kindle as a security blanket. It goes where I go and I'm on my third one because I'm a klutz who breaks things. I have way more books on there than I can ever read but I'm certainly going to try. I wanted to list some books today that have made a difference in my life. Things that have calmed or comforted me when I needed it. Things that have helped me learn to cope or at least made me not feel alone.
Funny things from crazy people:
Hyperbole and Half by Allie Brosh If you've ever been to her super popular blog of the same name you'll know a lot of this material. There are however some new and hilarious stories included in the book and I'm super excited that there is another book coming out later this year. Allie Brosh has a way of telling a story like no one else.
Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson) is one of the funniest women alive in my opinion. She's just so unabashedly her and she is just so weird. In this book we get more insights into what created this beautifully warped woman. You really should read it. But not in public because people will think you're crazy when you start laughing out loud uncontrollably.
Self-Help and the like that I've actually found useful:
Absolutely anything by Brene Brown. I'm currently reading Rising Strong after watching Brene Brown's first TedTalk on vulnerability. Basically everything she says is life changing. It makes you look at yourself, really look at yourself, and see what's hold you back instead of building you up. You will see yourself somewhere in her writing, there's no way around it, and you will want to change. You will want to be better and feel better and let people in and you will start trying to find ways to do all of those things. And you will be grateful.
Exercise for Mood and Anxiety by Michael Otto I know I don't talk about exercise much because it's not one of my favorite things but I do go through spells where it's useful and I enjoy it. I do find that my moods and outlook do improve when I exercise consistently but trying to exercise when you are at the bottom of a depression cycle is nearly impossible. You're exhausted and everything hurts and you don't see the point. However, I find exercise to be extremely helpful when anxious. It helps get out some of that extra energy that can lead to panic attacks (that's right, not every panic attack starts in your brain with active worrying, some are very much a physical response).
The Goddess Path by Patricia Monaghan Although nowadays I identify more as an atheist than anything, I was a pentacle wearing, nature worshipping, Tarot reading pagan for a very long time. I still love nature and reading Tarot and I still love this book. It tells the stories of ancient goddess from different pantheons and then asks introspective questions at the end of each section. There are rites and rituals included that I never really got into but I love that workbook aspect of this book. Reflection is often the key to self improvement and the questions raised ask you to reflect on yourself and experiences in uncommon ways.
Fiction that changed my life:
*It should be said that I read a LOT of horror so I don't stumble onto this sort of stuff very often or easily. I don't read a lot of literary fiction or romances or coming of age stories because those things don't usually hold my interest terribly long. If it's fiction and I like it there is probably something weird going on or an element of fantasy or science fiction interwoven into the narrative.*
The Frugality Trilogy by Stuart Ayris I can't really articulate what these books and this writer means to me. Seriously. It was like I picked up each book in this trilogy at exactly the right time in my life. I'm not really sure that anyone else has had that connection to it but each book does have extremely good reviews on Amazon and Goodreads. It is a bit of a hidden gem though. And Mr. Ayris, being an independent writer and self-published, is fantastic about reader interaction. After I reviewed the last book in the trilogy on Goodreads he contacted me and offered to answer any of my questions that were still present at the end and he really did mean it. I asked some extremely personal and difficult questions and he was very forthcoming and kind. I have several other books by him on my Kindle that I cannot wait to get to because he just gets it. He writes depressed and anxious characters, flawed characters, and just real people like no one I have seen.
The Sterile Cuckoo by John Nichols I read this book while I was in high school, I think. I don't remember what drew me to it but I remember that I loved it and it was unlike anything else I would usually read. It still holds a special place in my heart.
I'm sure there are more and I hope to do more posts like this in the future as I remember other books or read new ones. I'm currently reading Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs which I am thoroughly enjoying so far. If you have Goodreads, add me there, I love to see what other people are reading, too.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Not Good Poetry 1
As I've watched myself grow older and larger
I've felt myself get smaller inside
I've been shrinking
Shrinking away from confrontations
Shrinking away from having opinions
Shrinking away from anything that could someone to judge me
Please don't judge me
I judge myself more harshly than you ever could
So know that it's been taken care of
I've been taken care of
I've been dealt with
My spirit has been appropriately broken
No reason someone like me should think kindly of themselves anyway
No reason I should complain
I am the complaint
Complaints don't have the rights to feelings and needs
Only people do
I'm not people
I'm just this skin sac that causes all the problems
I am the problem
I know
I've been listening even though you haven't
Not that you could hear me
I lost my voice years ago
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