It's been a long while since I've posted. A lot can happen in two months and that's certainly the case here. My life is pretty much completely different since I started writing this blog a few short months ago and I'm still undecided if it for better or for worse.
Let's just sort of recap the last few months:
*I had full on nervous breakdown complete with mania that kept me from eating or sleeping for days and my first ever hallucination.
*This breakdown got me a week's stay in a psychiatric hospital in Lexington known as the Ridge.
*During my stay there, actually just before it when I realized the hospital was the only choice left for me at the time, I decided to leave my husband.
*My children and I moved back to my childhood home with my parents.
*I had another shorter trip to Ridge because the meds I was one weren't working well enough and my depression was still kicking my ass.
*I've been trying to be proactive even if on the surface it doesn't look like I'm doing much. I've applied for disability since getting bipolar fully under control can be very difficult and take a while. I've also applied for school at the local Ohio University branch and I'm still trying to gather all the right paperwork to make that happen.
I'll go into more detail about some of these things in later posts. For now I just want to say I didn't take the decision to leave lightly. It wasn't an impulse decision because of my illness. It was a long time in the making. I guess I'll just say what a lot of people getting divorced state, irreconcilable differences. I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect my boundaries to be respected or to be treated with some kindness and love when I was struggling. Evidently those things were too much to ask of him. I'm sure he tells a different story but the results are the same. I'm trying to start over with my children with me and trying to show them a better way and trying to let them know it's okay to dream and to want to better. It's going to take a while.
My meds seem to be right for the moment. My depression is mostly under control, now I just get normal sad because of the situation but I'm not completely hopeless all the time anymore. My anxiety doesn't make me sick or keep me awake anymore and I take a medication that has helped with my PTSD nightmares so no more dreams about car wrecks and blood clots every night.
Overall, although I have days where that hopelessness tries to creep in, I'm looking forward to the future for the most part. Starting over is terrifying. But there's so much potential to make things great this time around.
