I find a lot of times when I'm at my worst I forget or ignore doing the things that I love. I've barely cross stitched in weeks and it's usually my favorite thing in the world. When I have tried I've had difficulties concentrating because my mind either can't focus or is hyper focused on something else. Last time I had to pull out twenty minutes worth of work and do it again over a very minuscule counting error. It was frustrating. It wasn't coming together fast enough to see results that pushed me to do more. Cross stitch is awesome because it can be really relaxing and almost like a form of meditation, but if you fuck up even a little bit it's a pain in the ass to recover. So I have to be in the right mindset and here lately that feels rare. Maybe I should just look through the pictures of my finished projects for motivation and see if I can remember how awesome it feels to finish something cool or beautiful, because it does feel awesome.
I usually love food but I often forget to eat or just don't care to cook for only me when I'm alone all day. I also don't cook the sort of stuff I love and am good at when I'm down which sucks because it would probably make me feel better. It also sucks because I'm sure the family gets tired of pasta and the easiest stir-fry I can come up with. I should bake more again. I love to bake. I love baked goods. I love the way the house smells when something good is in the oven. But I hate cleaning up the mess from baking and cooking big crazy meals so I don't do it when I know for a fact I won't clean it up. It's too stressful. I try to find ways to break my worst habits but the tendency to leave destruction in my wake is one of those things I've been fighting forever and it always wins.
I haven't even been playing video games. Not on the PS3, my phone, the computer, nothing, which is pretty rare. I usually have at least one game that I'm totally addicted to at all times and that can range from Angry Birds to Kingdom Hearts to Zombie Pandemic. Again, frustration and lack of focus gets me irritated and frustrated and it stops being relaxing. I hit a hard part and just give up, like I feel I often to do in real life.
The only thing that I love that I seem to be able to make myself do even when I feel like shit is sing. Now that's not saying it's good, just that it makes me feel better. Finding the right song, for the right mood and just belting it at the top of my lungs when I'm by myself is so therapeutic. I've started recording myself, I've started posting them online (my Soundcloud is here, sorry if makes your ears hurt) because I like being able to revisit those moods and the things that helped me through them sometimes. It's making me wish I had been able to learn how to play guitar when I tried when I was younger. Maybe I could learn it now, I still have the guitar, it just needs new strings. Maybe that can be the next hobby that I can love that I can still do even when I'm down.
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