Still

I'm feeling a little better today. Not great, but definitely better. I no longer feel like my head is on upside down and backwards. It's not on straight again yet, but maybe just kind of crooked now. I think a huge part of my problem yesterday was that I haven't been sleeping and when I do get a little sleep it's been really, really poor. So I took some of the anxiety medicine that was prescribed to me so I could sleep and judging by my blog posts and interaction with people the last few days it seems to do me a lot more harm than good. It's a antihistamine anxiety medicine and it just doesn't work for me. It makes me super depressed, super fast and takes a long time to shake. I haven't had any antihistamines in more than 24 hours now and I am definitely feeling better.

I've decided, for now, that I think I may be okay for a while longer without an inpatient stay unless something else happens. I have enough of my normal medicine to get through the weekend. I have a therapy appointment on Tuesday so I'll have another perspective, maybe they can offer some sort of alternative. I'm hoping they'll understand when I tell them I can't take that anti-anxiety medicine but I need something else. I need Xanax. I have a good history with benzos, unlike a lot of people. I've never abused them, they work for me without making me worse, I do not become dependent on them, and they don't make me suicidal. If I can keep my anxiety under control I'm much, much better off. My super depressed self loathing spirals always start when my anxiety basically hits it's peak. It's like I hit a spot where even my brain can't keep up with all the shit going on it and it basically just crashes as hard and fast as possible. That's where I was yesterday.

Today I feel more hopeful. My head is not completely full of self-loathing. I've been able to leave the bed for more than a couple minutes at time. I've been able to eat a little (only a very little though). I'm the only person in my house that hasn't been diagnosed with strep throat yet but there's a good chance I have a mild case of it and that's adding to the misery. These are all things that let me believe that waiting to get help is the right answer, right now.

I want to say thank you to everyone that has reached out to be the last few days after reading my blog. You've all be so kind and so supportive and that's exactly what I've needed. Those sort of gestures go a long way in helping shine a light to those of us in dark places. I think sometimes people forget that I'm not a different person when the crazy takes hold, I'm just a sick person, a person in pain. Pain makes people angry and confused sometimes. My character is still mine, the things that make up me are still there even if they are harder to find. Sometimes I don't want to just talk about how I feel or why I feel that way. Focusing in on it so sharply for an extended period of time sometimes just makes me feel worse. Talking to me about things I love and telling me funny stories and treating me life a friend reminds me that I don't always feel that bad, that I've had that pain before and made it through, and I can make it through again. So thank you again to everyone who knows I'm still in here.