Dirt and Glitter Cover the Floor

I'm a messy person by nature. I always have been. I really can't remember a time outside of work where cleaning up immediately after myself has been a priority. And even working I would sometimes get hyper-focused on the project and ignore the mess I was making until the last ten minutes of my shift. It's not because I'm careless or lazy, it's because I can be very scattered brain about things I don't find particularly engaging or interesting. I have a lot of ideas and when I try to make them reality I sometimes forget that there is a world going on around me and then when I'm done or lose interest I tend to jump to the next thing. The biggest problem with my messy and easily distracted nature is that it can really impair my creativity and productivity sometimes. Also, any person who comes into my home can immediately tell my mental state by the condition of the house.

When I'm really anxious I'll get into cleaning projects but I usually abandon them halfway through, so there's things like bags of donations sitting around, or garbage that has been cleared from various areas of the house sitting by the front door and I haven't managed to walk the extra 10 steps to drop in the dumpsters, kitchen cabinets half organized, laundry in baskets everywhere that's full of folded but not put away clothing. The floors are swept but not scrubbed. Every glass, plate, and piece of silverware in the house is clean but all the pots are sitting in the sink or on the stove dirty. There's bins of junk and crafts projects I swear I'll purge this time. I have these great ideas that this time I'm going to do it right, but then I have all the ideas at one time and bounce from project to project and nothing ever gets completely done. It's really frustrating and I get on my own nerves doing it.

When I'm really depressed it starts to look at bit like an episode of Hoarders. I have no energy so even loading the dishwasher feels like an accomplishment. With the depression comes a lot more physical pain than you would expect so movement is limited and can only happen in short spurts. Trying to combat the feelings of hopelessness and malaise with a mop and a cleaning rag has never worked for me. I've washed dishes while bawling my eyes out as I contemplate my existence and the fact that everyone I know is going to die. I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather cry in bed under a pile of blankets. I've always been the sort of person that has a hard time following through on something I think is pointless and when I'm depressed everything feels pointless so why clean. I know that's a shitty outlook but I can't always control how I feel. The inability to do even basic things around the house when I'm depressed is a source of shame for me which only perpetuates the depressed cycle. I'm working on it but it's a hard thing to tackle.

It doesn't help at all that I'm usually surrounded by perpetual mess-making machines. Between kids and pets it never ends. Sometimes that adds to the feeling that whatever I do is pointless because someone or something is going to come right behind within the hour and fuck it right back up. I've tried and tried over the years to convince the family to help, I have said many times I can't do it all by myself, especially since for everything that gets done three things come undone but it never sticks. It never really seems to get through unless I completely lose my shit and go into crying mega-bitch mode. And I hate doing that, I really do. I hate having to scream and cry to feel seen and heard. It makes me miserable.

I think some people don't think I realize my house is a mess, that I'm a mess. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I am fully aware, hyper-aware in fact. Over the years I have tried to be better. I've subscribed to websites like Flylady. I've watched every show I can find about hoarding and dirty houses and organizing spaces and applied the techniques where I could. I've bought storage containers. I've purged a lot of stuff. I've read countless books on minimalism, cleaning, organizing, finding a routine, natural cleaners, everything related to it I've been able to find. Nothing sticks, and I then I just get disappointed because I'm a failure again. So many other people don't struggle with this, why do I? What is my fundamental flaw that I can see a mess and just keep walking? I have no idea, but it's there and it is nearly impossible to shake.

Sometimes I can go weeks, even months occasionally, where most things are in order. But it's been a while since that has happened. It usually only happens when I don't feel too far to one side or the other of depression and anxiety but that seems to be really rare lately. Right now, honestly, I'm writing this blog post primarily to procrastinate. Thinking about all the things that need done overwhelms me and I have no idea where to start. I would love to have a clean house. I would love for people to be able to stop by at a moment's notice without abject terror running through me. I would love to spend the time before someone visits baking them something awesome instead of figuring out where to hide all the mail I've been piling up and trying to scrub the worst and stickiest messes from the kitchen floor because I know there is no way I can get the whole thing done before they get here. Above all of this, I'd love to feel like I deserved it and like I deserve the calm and peace of mind it would bring.