Try

It's another rough day. Anxiety spikes all day long and now I'm afraid of my anxiety medicine. I've been trying to clean but keep getting distracted. I tried to get the kids to clean their rooms and that of course resulted in tears and screaming, because that's what you should do when someone asks for your help.

I am trying to look ahead. I filled out the FAFSA today to see what financial aid I can get to go back to school. On a whim at the last minute I sent it to two cosmetology schools here, too. I figure I'm usually pretty good at talking people through stuff and I'm also good at making beautiful things. So right now I'm thinking social work or cosmetology, either way I should be able to be in a position I like and can thrive in and also find employment. I'm considering the cosmetology route because I'm honestly not sure if I can handle social work. I think I would have to be in very specific sort of role to do well in that field. I would want to do patient advocacy and also work with the LGBTQ community, especially with transgender issues and patient care. I would never want to work with kids. I like kids but kids with heartbreaking stories would crush my soul and I'll leave that job to the stronger souls.

I'm looking into what it will take to get me driving again. I lost my license after that 30 car pile up, for reasons I still don't understand. I need to get it reinstated, thankfully because of how long ago it was it appears that the fees are much lower now. I start therapy on Tuesday and hopefully we can find methods to ease my fears about driving. It's going to take some work to convince me I won't kill anyone while driving.

Some cleaning has been done around the house the last few days so I guess that may also be signs of improvement. Or nervous energy and a need for distraction. Hand-washing dishes just always seems to make me cry for some reason. It's too quiet and doesn't take enough focus and on mindless tasks my mind always wonders to the darker corners of my mind. I wish I could have got more done but I had to keep taking time out for panic attacks. It's hard to get anything done when you feel like you can't breathe. Maybe tomorrow there will be fewer of them but I don't anticipate that until after I start therapy as I'm dreading going. I know it's necessary but that doesn't mean I have to like it.