Sometimes I just need a push. In some cases a gentle one, in some cases it's more like out of an airplane, hopefully, with a parachute on. I'm not sure which one will do it in this case. I can waste whole days sometimes just looking for inspiration. I'll spend hours on Pinterest, Etsy, Craftsy, Facebook groups dedicated to my art of choice, looking up articles, the list goes on, just to get a good idea. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it just makes me want to go to Michaels and spend a lot of money I shouldn't.
Currently I have several paid cross stitch projects I need to work on and I've recently gotten involved in a writing project I'm pretty excited about. I also have the supplies to make some seriously cute owl candles. I also started trying to make a stuffed animal net for my daughter's room but I put it down a few days ago and I'm pretty sure it's just one giant yarn knot now. I got some amazing adult coloring books and gel pens for Christmas and Valentine's Day (Harry Potter beasts coloring book is amazing, by the way) but I sometimes feel like I could be doing more productive stuff when I color.
Today my focus seems to be writing. I was doing research for a story earlier and got some good notes taken. I'm going to read through some of the dozens of Kindle books I've downloaded about writing and the writing process. I'm blogging which I need to do more often. I've got all the stories stored up in my head and it's like they're having a fist fight to see who can get to the front of the line. I've always struggled with fiction though, even if I have a good idea. I can write a good beginning, middle, or end but struggle with doing all three. I'll either know how the story starts or know where the plot is going to lead but working out the details between can be difficult for me. That's why I'm going to study more about writing. It's something I've always been good at when I am determined to do it but it doesn't take a whole lot for me to lose my determination. I've been having thoughts like poetry again lately and maybe one day I'll share those. I may dig out some of the stuff I've written previously for a first poetry post.
I've also wished often lately that I had stayed involved in music. I miss playing an instrument. I miss being onstage. I miss singing with other people. I miss singing for other people, even though it often scared the shit out of me. There is something about that fear that is familiar and comfortable. And when the experience is over and you have good feedback it's rewarding and affirming and you wonder why you got worked up in the first place. That sort of thing makes it so when I'm freaking out about something else I can look at that situation and think I freaked out for no reason maybe this will go well, too. It's been a long time since I've had that sort of situation to reflect on and grow from.
I feel like there is music that would help me unlock my creativity currently but damned if I know what it is. I've been listening to a variety of stuff to see if anything moves me but, so far, no luck. I feel like there is a particularly emotion that is blocking me that I need to tap into but sometimes sorting your emotions can be extremely difficult. Especially when you have depression and anxiety, you go through lows that feel like numbness and highs that feel like you are feeling everything all at once and don't know why. Sometimes it's hard to sort what is truly your emotions from what is your mental illness reacting to a situation. Neither situation invalidates your emotions but finding that thing that you really need to work on can be next to impossible when you aren't sure why you feel that way.
I was supposed to go to therapy yesterday. Maybe that would have helped. But issues with a lifelong chronic illness kept me at home. I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) as a child and it's never gotten better, if anything it gets a little worse each year and it's difficult to treat without causing other problems. Yesterday I woke up sick, feeling like I was going to throw up for hours but never did. My stomach hurt because all of my intestines were spasming for hours. The only medication that has ever helped with is Levsin and I don't have a current prescription for it. I was sick for many years before a doctor ever even told me that there was medicine available to help. When I had to have a colonoscopy in 2012 they actually witness and IBS attack during the scope and so they finally gave me medicine for it. The problem with the medicine though is that it makes me extremely thirsty and extremely tired. Also, since moving last September finding a doctor that listens and believes me has been extremely trying and I don't want to have another camera shoved up my ass just deal with an issue that's already been diagnosed. It seems like overkill. I've gotten it mostly under control by eliminating a lot of food that makes me sick but I still have bad days, like yesterday. Anxiety tends to makes IBS worse so sometimes it's not just my brain out to ruin my day.
Now my next therapy appointment isn't until April 19 but I do have an appointment with a nurse practitioner that specializes in women's behavioral health, specifically mental illness related to hormonal problems, on April 14 so I feel like I am at least getting on the right track. I've also been putting in school and job applications. I'm not entirely sure that I'm ready to handle either right now but I can't hide forever. Ideally, I'd love to be able to work for myself, making money off of arts and crafts and writing. I'm hard on myself but I'd probably be the most understanding boss I could find. I have been working towards those goals but it is such slow going, especially when you're stuck in a rut. So I'm off to look for inspiration again. Wish me luck.
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