Today has been a very busy day inside my head. I woke up feeling okay, contemplative but pretty much okay. I wrote that blog about my anxiety and PTSD and felt better for a little while. I have felt sort of anxious all day, not actively upset but just like my skin didn't fit right. But somewhere around 4 o'clock the PMDD started to take hold.
I've had PMDD long enough now to sort of know that's the problem. Maybe not at first, but after a few hours when certain terrible thoughts start creeping in and getting louder I know that's what's wrong. It doesn't necessarily make the feelings easier to handle because you know what they are but you're able to remember that they will end. They've ended before, you've made it through. It's going to be a fairly miserable couple days.
There's a good chance I'll think about killing myself a lot for the next few days. I will feel ugly, worthless, hopeless, desperate, unloved, stupid, and like a waste of breath and resources. On good days, I know none of that's true. But these are not good days. They are dark days. They are days where I will likely spend more time crying than not. They are days where I will question and push everyone who loves me. They are days where I will feel like I'm not enough. They are days where I will be absolutely convinced I'll never feel happy again.
And there's nothing I can do about it. At least nothing I haven't already tried or isn't major life altering surgery. Treatments include antidepressants, sometimes benzos, hormonal birth control, or a full hysterectomy. I'm already on an antidepressant and it's losing it's effectiveness for my everyday depression, it's like I've not even taken it when my hormones shift. My new doctor for some reason won't prescribe benzos (hopefully it's just because I'm new and once I'm established they'll be an option) but I've used them in the past with a least a tiny bit of relief. I don't know if they actually help or if they just remove my ability to feel so fucked up over it, either way it keeps me from wishing I were dead for at least a little while. I've tried hormonal birth control in the past but that's no longer an option for me because of my medical history. Also, it didn't help. In fact for some women it makes them much, much worse. I don't think I'm ready for a hysterectomy, yet. The women in my family all have gone through menopause fairly early, maybe I will, too. Even so I'll probably still deal with shit for the next 10 years minimum unless there is some sort of scientific breakthrough.
(*I just learned that taking a high androgen drug is also an option but I am far too vain most times to purposefully take something that would cause me to develop, even a little, some male characteristics. I like my breasts as they are, my voice is deep enough, and I already hate shaving the things I do shave. Also, more headaches. No fucking thank you.)
Scientific breakthrough is pretty unlikely considering only about 3%-8% of women experience true PMDD. (Why am not ever in the small percentage of lucky people, like lottery winners or terrible actors who still manage to get good roles or people who get rich off of glorified fan fic? I'm looking at you E.L. James.) The medical community doesn't have a clear picture of what causes PMDD, the working theory is that the neuro-transmitters in the brain have a bad reaction to our normal, fluctuating hormones. Is that like being allergic to my own reproductive system? That's pretty fucked up when I think about it like that. As with my other issues it's just more evidence that I'm wired wrong. Symptoms of PMDD are like the symptoms of PMS but turned up to 11. Plus the added bonus of severe depression and suicidal ideations.
So with all that said I think my best course of action is distraction. I may blog a lot the next few days so I have something else to focus on besides how miserable I am. I should probably bake something because I need all the sugar and chocolate right now. And the salt. Someone should bring me potato chips. I'm going to cuddle the dogs, watch some zombie movies, read some books, and try to remember that in a couple days I may feel like myself again.
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